Loving the Laundry

Now, that is a statement you would never normally hear me say.  Ever.  In fact, laundry is probably my least favorite household chore.  I would gladly trade someone all of their dishes for all of my laundry.  I'll even clean your toilets for you if you'll fold all my laundry and put it all away.  Heavy baskets...endless folding and sorting...and then, just when you start to get ahead, someone wets the bed or decides to make it "snow" in their room using baby powder...and you're back at square one.  

But recently I've been getting to do a lot of laundry that excites me.  What laundry excites me? So glad you asked. :) 

Baptism laundry.  Baptism laundry excites me! All the wet robes and towels after a baptism get thrown in a large laundry basket; and then I get to take it home and wash it. 

 I love it! What is normally an arduous task for me becomes a rejuvenating, soul-cleansing reminder of my great God.  The heavy, wet clothing is an awesome reminder of the burdens we no longer carry.  Every time I throw the load into the washer, I'm reminded of His incredible sacrifice to make all this possible .  The fresh-smelling, warm, newly-laundered garments are representative of our new life in Him.  And each week, I load it up, return each piece to its shelf in a changing room backstage...and pray I get to do it all again next week.  

In spite of me, in spite of us, God is working.  I am humbled and in awe.  It just goes to show His power - that in spite of it all, He is on the move.  There is no other place I'd rather serve Him than right alongside my brothers and sisters at South Haven Christian Church.  I am so very grateful for it all.  

...And I'm praying for more laundry.

Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him. -Psalm 98:1

Beautiful Things

Yes, I know...it's been awhile; but Chad is killing me - literally.  Okay well maybe not literally; but I feel like it sometimes. :)  I have dug 41 post-holes, set 41 posts, dug a 50' trench and cleared out 20' of woods.  I'm pathetic, I'm covered in bruises and burns (post-hole diggers and I don't get along) and I'm exhausted.  So when we are done for the night it takes all I have to put some semblance of a meal together for my children, shower them and get them to bed.  I then proceed to collapse and not move until 7am the next day.  So stringing sentences together to form thoughts and thus a blog has not been on my radar.  The only reason I can function this afternoon is because friends came to help and rescued me.  (That might sound a bit dramatic but I definitely feel 'rescued!')  Many hands make for light work (or whatever that old saying is that my grandmother used to say) and I am so very thankful for the 'many hands' today!  When they left this afternoon Chad and I looked at each other and said, "we'd have killed each other if we'd had to do that!" 

I'm whining, I realize it; but between tubing at the lake this past week and digging a trench muscles, hurt that I never knew existed.  It's good for me; and both let me know I'm alive, and leave me thankful to still be alive when they're done. 

These jobs have been messy.  Like mud-caked-on-shoes-dirt-smeared-all-over-faces-can't-find-a-clean-spot-on-me kind of messy.  Dirt and mud don't bother me, I guess that's a side-effect of growing up with brothers; I actually kind of like it.  I tried to get Malachi and Silas to play with some of the mud with me but they looked at me like I was crazy and after a few 'squishes' in their hands they both had a minor freak-out moment because their hands were dirty.  They've got a lot to learn...

...but so do I.   After one particularly messy afternoon we were spraying off our tools and our shoes with the hose; I seized the moment and sprayed Chad with the hose and slung mud at him from my caked shoe.  Since he hates cold water you can imagine how well that went over.  I said I was just trying to help; but he wasn't buying.  However, learning self control to not spray my husband with the hose isn't the lesson I need to learn.  That same mud-slinging afternoon we made one of our numerous treks to Lowe's and heard Gungor's Beautiful Things on the radio. There I sat covered in 'dust' listening to the words "you make beautiful things out of the dust" and I was overwhelmingly at peace.  

"Yes! Yes!" I wanted to scream.  Life is messy and oftentimes leaves us caked in dirt and sweat with bruises and scars that tell where we've been;but that's not the end.  Because of the cross "He makes beautiful things out of the dust...out of us."  He is making us new - He is doing a new thing.  

I pray this is encouragement for whatever mess of life you find yourself in.  God isn't discouraged and disheartened by the mess.  He knows what he's doing; and he is making a beautiful thing.  

"Forget the former things; see I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

The Gift of Chester

As some of you know, today was Chad's birthday.  The greatest thing about Chad's birthday, for me, is not the excuse to eat junk food and sweets, or the buying gifts and spoiling him, but the mere fact that he is always older than me.  Completely selfish, I know, but it's comforting to know that no matter how old I turn each time April 19th rolls around on the calendar, Chad is always 315 days older.  It's just some justice for his lack of grey hairs, no wrinkles, his adorable baby-face and his ability to drop 10 pounds in 2 weeks.  

I want the world to know that I am thankful for the gift of my (slightly older than me) husband.  I love my husband and I am proud of him.  It takes strength of character, integrity and humility to do what he's doing and in the way he's doing it.  I'm proud of Him and I respect Him. 


So, I stole his idea.  He did this for me on my last birthday (how high he needed to count for me for that birthday is irrelevant) so I thought I'd do it for him too.  Since he is 31 today, here's the top 31 things things I love about my Chester:

1. He loves his Savior
2. He loves Malachi 
3. He loves Silas
4. He loves me
5. He loves Chinese
6. He gets me
7. He's gifted
8. He's humble
9. He's gentle
10. He's funny
11. He's sweet
12. He's sincere
13. He speaks sarcasm
14. He loves people
15. He's a good friend
16. He desires to learn
17. He knows he doesn't have all the answers
18. He respects those older than him
19. He values those younger than him
20. He desires to continue learning
21. He's cheap (he prefers "frugal") :)
22. He watches football with me
23. He loves the Colts
24. He's a gifted communicator
25. He calls me his Baby Girl
26. He spoils me
27. He defends and protects our children and me
28. He would lay down his life for our children
29. He loves hot summer nights just as much as I do
30. He chose me
31. He chooses to follow his call

This list just scratches the surface - and I look forward to many more birthdays together.  I am so thankful for the life God has called me to live - even if there are rough days.  

So here is my challenge to you ladies out there: love the men in your life.  Respect them and show them you respect them.  Whether you're married or single - love your husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, uncles, cousins, friends...you get the idea.  Mark Twain said, "I can live for 2 months on a good compliment"; so I challenge you right now to speak life into your men again and give them an honest and sincere compliment.  It might be awkward and weird at first...but it could make all the difference.  


"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:9-10

A Swim Lesson

God is showing off through all of this in ways I could never have imagined.  I am humbled.  The out-pouring of support has just been completely over-whelming.  To all of you who have supported us, either financially, spiritually, emotionally, or physically and to the many more who have offered to help in any way you could - we are truly, truly grateful.  Not only can I not name names because of how many of you there are; but some of you I do not even know who you are.  You know who you are...and God knows.  I pray for God to continue to bless you as you have been such a blessing to us!  Great is your reward. 

I haven't really had much to update on this last week.  We are back home and trying to stay busy.  Chad's tackling his 'honey-do' list with enthusiasm...and I'm loving it!  I'm struggling to simultaneously keep up with him and clean up after him as he tackles all the projects he never had time to before.  It's great; and I sleep really well at night.  :)

One of the things keeping us busy is swim lessons for Malachi and Silas.  My idea not theirs.  Overall they've done really well.  However, Mr. Si Man hated his first lesson.  He screamed most of the lesson and clung to my neck saying, "this is not fun, mommy.  What are you doing?" like I had straight-up betrayed him.  No matter how much I prepped him and prepared him he still fought every step of the way. 

Fast forward to yesterday's lesson.  I was fully prepared for another battle. Feeling the potential outcome (his learning to swim) was worth it, I put on my game-face and braved the pool.  Nothing was different, same teachers, same location, same skills practiced.  Nothing was different, except Silas.  He was a completely different kid - he loved it.  He put his face in the water, blew bubbles, laid on his back and kicked his legs like a champ! He actually kept trying to pry my hands off of him saying, "I swim by myself Mommy".  However, since I wanted to make sure he would get in the pool next time I didn't let him learn the hard way why I needed to keep holding him. 

It was after we were dry, showered and fed that I started reflecting on that lesson and relating it to my walk with Christ.  Nothing in Silas' swim lesson had changed nor did his ability to actually swim.  If I had listened to him and actually let go he and his 36" would have sunk to the bottom of that 48" pool.  But Silas had changed.  He lived through it once before; and in his two-year-old way decided to relax, enjoy the water and to trust Mommy.  

Wow.  Leave it to a two year old to teach me a lesson on trusting my Father.  While I have actually never walked this specific road before; my Savior and I have walked other paths and He has always seen me through.  He is faithful.  

It is right now that I am going to not only show my age but also show how un-cool I can actually be sometimes.  I had a very sheltered childhood; and while I am very grateful for this it does afford us some humorous stories now that we're older.  One of the things we were subjected to growing up was Bill Gaither.  Lots and lots of Bill Gaither.  I know every word to every Gaither Vocal Band song from 1994-2001.  One of my favorites (yes, I just used that word) was a song called "Now More Than Ever". 

"The road I have traveled has sometimes been steep, 

through wild jagged places of life.

 Sometimes I've stumbled and fallen so hard

that the stones cut my soul like a knife.

But the staff of my Shepherd would reach out for me

and lift me to cool pastures green.

With the oil of the Spirit anointing my wounds

there I'd rest by the clear healing stream.

Oh but now more than ever

I cherish the cross,

more than ever I sit at his feet.

 All the miles of my journey have proved my Lord true

and He is so precious to me"

Now more than ever...He is so precious to me.  So for right now, for this moment I'll choose to relax, lay back and enjoy the water; because we've been here before, and 'all the miles of my journey have proved my Lord true'. 

(P.S. David Phelps is my ear-candy...so if you want to experience the acoustical goodness that is the tenor voice of David Phelps, see what you've been missing, or are just curious you can listen to him sing 'Now More Than Ever' here.  Enjoy.)

Kara's Mom

We honestly can't remember her name - we just know that she was from out of state and she was Kara's mom. Our paths will probably never cross again; but her words will forever cross our hearts and minds. 

Yesterday was our last "family session" in this phase of treatment.  We go for a 'lecture' and then a group counseling session with other patients and their family members. The lecture is intended to be educational, and then the group counseling session is for more dialogue and practical support. These sessions are very educational and highly beneficial. We're all there for the same reason and can identify and relate to each other's story.  Sometimes our lives and our stories are vastly different, making it seem like we come from such different worlds. Other times our stories are so strickingly similar it makes us feel uneasy - almost like they're telling our story. 

Yesterday while we were discussing with the group the role of the family members and how we as a family unit move forward, the group found out we were in the ministry.  The group session continued on with not much else being said to that fact. It was as we were packing up at the end of the day that we met Kara's mom.  

Kara's mom came up to us in tears - she said she just had to come speak to us to encourage us on in our journey.  She said her husband was also a public figure in the community and very active and involved in their Church; and at the age of 35 he became addicted to pain medicine.  Her husband looked desperately within the Church for love and support and found himself all alone.  Her brother is an alcoholic and sits alone and silent in the pews every Sunday for fear of rejection and shame. Her daughter has followed the same path of addiction and has turned away from Church, feeling more support and encouragement in the world.  "We need you, the Church needs you.  There is such a need for this to get out. Jesus didn't die on the cross because we were perfect - He died because we were sick. Your ministry is needed!" 

Speechless, all I could do was hug her. My heart ached for her and for her pain; and yet my heart was so thankful for the encouragement.  She was thrilled to hear of how supportive our Church has been - and said "it gives me hope." Hope. 

Hope was mutual that day. She filled us with hope as well.  This post is unique in that Chad and I wrote this one together.  We are renewed and filled with hope...and chugging along.  God uses His people to speak His words...His people like Kara's mom. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

I've been thinking...

Chad always gets nervous when I say 'I've been thinking'.  He fears whatever I'm contemplating is either going to be complicated, embarrassing or expensive.  Sadly, he's not always wrong.  
 
Today, I'm preaching (well, really blogging) to the choir.  Literally, I'm talking to those of you who have grown-up in Church and have been a Christian practically all your life.  I'm talking to you who were (and are) at Church at least 15 minutes before the doors open and 30 minutes after every time the doors are closed.  Those of you who attended Sunday School every Sunday and short of being in hospital never dreamed of being able to 'skip church'.  Some of the females in this crowd probably weren't ever allowed to wear pants to a service growing up either.  Those of you are behind the scenes making sure everything runs smoothly.  Those of you who maybe haven't even had the opportunity to sit in a service in ages because you're serving elsewhere in the building. I'm talking to you who do and have done 'every thing right'.   

I'm going to rock your boat...I'm talking about 'openness' and 'vulnerability'.  I must admit, this is extremely difficult for me.  It's it goes against my inner-most being.  Everything inside me cries for me shut up and slap on a smile! 

I think this openness and vulnerability thing is a challenge for some of us...maybe even most of us who have spent our lives in the Church, or who are now in a leadership role.  We are constantly told to 'set the example' or 'be the example'.  And I know everyone who told me that growing up had the purest intentions at heart, for goodness sakes I've even told my own kids that.  I mean, after all didn't Paul instruct Timothy with those very words. "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." (1 Timothy 4:12 emphasis mine).  And all along the way I know that was my goal...but somewhere between intent and action the meaning became confused.  

Somewhere along the way I (and I dare say I'm not alone) took that to mean I had to have it all together.  That I had to appear 'struggle-less' (since I'm the one with the blog I can make up words) and that if anywhere along the line I even hinted like things weren't perfect I risked being called a fraud.  I'm called to set the example...but instead I built a wall and put on a mask.  

I assure you, never for one second has my faith been a fraud, a sham or a cover-up.  My Jesus has always been my everything, never was my faith anything but genuine; and I in no way mean to imply that your faith is not real.  However, my smiles, my laughs, the "I'm good" responses, there were times those were my attempt to 'set the example'.  Somewhere I lost the ability to be real.  To be authentic.  To let others know that I was struggling.  

So here's my thought...what if all Christians everywhere decided to let down our guard?  To be authentic.  Let others know we struggle.  Now, I'm not advocating that you lose your temper and have absolutely no self-control; but let your guard down.  Life happens.  Loved-ones get sick, families divorce, kids rebel, friends betray, words hurt, spouses cheat, parents abandon and husbands become alcoholics.  It's okay to hurt; and it's even okay to be mad (for real!).  Instead of focusing all of our energy on making sure we appear to have it all together, let's let the Church be The Church and help us carry our burdens (Galatians 6:2).  We all have battles; and in pretending that we don't, we run the risk of ostracizing those who are fighting very real and very visible battles.  

I can't lie...it's scary, and without the Holy Spirit it would have been impossible for me.  However, I assure you, it's worth it.  Let's drop the facade and be true...no more Sunday Morning masks.   So set the example, let the world (and the Church!) see you and Christ fight your battles together.

"we have conducted ourselves...with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace." (2 Cor. 1:12 emphasis mine) 

Theme Song

So apparently I'm not the best at updating a blog.  I've been getting some gentle, and slightly sarcastic, reprimands to update more frequently; but for what it's worth, I have some good excuses.  :) God is slightly showing off with His timing through it all.  I have a cousin that had some major complications from surgery almost a month ago and is still in recovery.  All of this has enabled me to stay with her and help out with her care, household stuff and kiddo stuff.  There are five kids running around, playing together and just having a ball.  I'm happy to be able to help in anyway I can; and it keeps me busy - which is a good thing.  

Through all of this we have kind of clung to the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea in Exodus.  After Pharaoh let the Children of Israel go, through Moses God led His people to the shore of the Red Sea.  With a furious Pharaoh and his army hot on their heals, the millions of Israelites felt trapped and betrayed.  "They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?'" (Ex. 14:11)  Their future looked bleak, the Egyptian army behind them and the massive Red Sea before them.  What were their options? Although the circumstances are different, I understand that valley.  I understand dreading what is before you yet hating what is behind you.  I've actually told the Lord, "I know I'm in the valley and I definitely don't want to stay here...but I don't know if I want to go through what I have to in order to climb out.  It is on this stage that "Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.'" (Exodus 14:13,14 Emphasis mine).  

Chad's homework for one of his sessions this week was to come up with a theme song for his recovery.  We had some fun with this assignment in the beginning; but when it was all said and done he decided to be grown-up and mature.  He picked David Crowder's "Jesus, Lead Me To Your Healing Waters."  (Listen to Chad's Theme Song here).  He picked this song with Exodus 14:13-14  in mind.  Sometimes we're led to the healing waters; however I know I have often grumbled and complained once there about what lies ahead and about what I'm running from.

I thought this was a good idea...finding a theme song.  So that's what I did.  This song is my prayer.  Let It Be Glory!  In it all...Let it be glory

Also - Chad did manage to update his blog last night check it out here if you haven't had the chance to read it yet.

Stupid Satan

Satan is a stupid meany-head.  This afternoon he's made me mad.  Very mad.  Stupid Satan!  (Side note: Every time I hear the word "stupid" my mind instantly goes to when we were younger and some of us older cousins (there's 13 of us total on one side alone) would slip and say our family's version of the 's' word around some of our younger cousins.  These little girls were (and still are!) the absolute cutest little girls and they would all three instantly pipe-up in unison and say, "ummmm...we don't say that."  Since the youngest of those three adorable girls just finished her freshman year in college I think they can handle the 's' word now.) :)

I say Satan is stupid because I'm mad at him and what he does; I know he's not literally stupid.  He's actually quite a clever genius.  He knows how to hit you where and when it hurts.  This afternoon has been a rough one for me.  99.99% of our family, friends and Church family have been overwhelmingly supportive and loving.  Their encouragement and grace have been a lifeline and I literally cannot put into words how grateful I am for all they are doing to support us.  But, this afternoon when I'm tired, when my emotions are raw and when I'm exhausted Satan uses that .01% to mess with my mind.  Suddenly that's all I can focus on and I'm back in tears a blubbering mess.  Today, I ran to Jesus.  I poured my heart out to Him, I cried to Him and told Him my hurt...and then I asked for His strength to help me let it go.  It's not me, it's not my strength, it's the Holy Spirit.  

I wish I could say I knew I was the only one Satan attacked this way.  However, I know I'm not.  I know he attacks each and every one of us like this.  He likes to throw junk in our face to block our view of what God is doing and accomplishing in and around each of us.  If he can get us off track just the slightest bit, distract us just a tad...he's got the foothold he needs. 

Run to Jesus.  Ask Him to remove anything which the devil can use as a foothold.  It's my prayer that through all of this the devil cannot claim even one single victory...and it starts with my heart.  

Literally as I was typing this blog I get a facebook message from friends and they conclude their very encouraging and up-lifting note with, "Don't let Satan whisper lies into your minds.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, he will carry you through."  Amen.  Talk about a divinely-timed note.  And thank you Lord for 100% of my relationships.  The 99.99% give me a glimpse of You and of heaven on earth; and the .01% remind me of my desperate need for You and Your arms to carry me through.  

Thank you so much for all your continued prayers of support.  Yesterday went very well and Chad and I both left the appointment with a sense of peace, for which I am so very grateful.  God even gave us a Christian Counselor to do Chad's assessment!  Starting today Chad goes Monday-Friday 9am-4pm for group and individual counseling sessions.  This was a higher level of treatment than the counselor thought necessary; however he understood Chad's desire to do all that he possibly can so this was the highest level of treatment he could get Chad approved for.  I've talked to him a few times throughout the day (mainly been insurance questions); but he did say things were going well.  I'll update as I know more.  Again, thank you so very much for everything.  You all are dearly loved! 

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."

 

The unknown

The unknown is...well, unknown.  Therefore for me it is filled with anxiety, causes great uneasiness and is just downright scary.  This very 'unknown' factor is why I do not do well with movies.  I can't stand not knowing what is coming next and regardless of the genre of movies (yes, even Disney animated ones) I will read the movie spoiler just so I know what's coming next.  Chad calls it ruining the movie, I call it proper preparation.  In fact, Chad does not even like to watch the same movie twice because he knows what's going to happen.  I on the other hand, only really truly enjoy it the second time...pathetic, I know. 

Life if full of unknowns for us right now.  I don't even have a glimpse of what tomorrow holds; let alone this next week, month or next 3 months.  Just imagine how well my fleshly side does with all of this.  I all too often find myself a wreck.  Afraid.  Anxious.  Worried.  Mad.  Burdened.  Achy. (I can tell when I'm stressed - all of my muscles and joints ache like my grandma's knees on a rainy day.)  None of these are qualities which I am called to possess.  Countless times in Scripture we're told not to be afraid.  "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matt 6:27).  "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt. 11:30).  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Gal. 5:22-23).  That list is drastically different than my unchecked fleshly list.  Actually, they're polar opposites.  Yikes.  

My solution? I choose to live in the moment.  Unless God drastically changes how He operates, which is totally within His rights, He's not going to write my life plan across the sky, complete with detailed steps and directions.  So unless I want to worry myself physically ill, give myself a heart attack and hide-out in my house all day, I'm left with no option but to live in the moment.  And actually, I think that's the way He wants it.  Ok, who am I kidding...I know that's the way He wants it.  When I know what's coming, when I know the plan, when I'm kept up-to-speed on details, I rely on Him and His peace a whole lot less.  I like to kid myself and say I'm trusting in Him; but I've always got Plan B up my sleeve and another option in my back pocket.  However, when I'm beyond myself in all aspects, when I am forced to operate on strength I know I do not possess in myself,  it is then that His power is my source (2 Cor. 12:9).  It is then I can feel His presence in such a profound way...and all of a sudden I don't need to have the answers, I just want more of Him.  That's dependence.

Many of my friends and loved-ones ask me in some way shape or form how I am doing.  I am grateful beyond words for the love and concern; however, I struggle with an appropriate response.  I don't mean to be dismissive; but my reply has been and will continue to be "living in the moment".  That's all I got.  Minute-by-minute I ask God to invade my heart and mind and to help me take every thought captive and make it obedient (2 Cor. 10:5).  When life is overwhelming the only way I know how to cope is to take one minute at a time with my Savior.  He is good.  He is faithful.  His grace is sufficient.

All of that being said, tomorrow (Wednesday) is a big day for us.  We have an appointment in Indianapolis at a treatment facility.  We are hoping to get some answers and a game-plan for the best treatment options.  That's literally all I know.  Our appointment is at 11:30(EST).  I covet prayers for us all.  Pray for wisdom, pray for peace, pray for knowledge, pray for the right people, counselors and doctors to be put in our path.  Our emotions are raw, pray our heads are on straight for the appointment.  Pray we get some rest.  Pray the Holy Spirit knocks the socks off all we meet tomorrow; because I'm sure they have yet to encounter the power of God's people praying!

Again - thank you all for everything.  The notes, letters, texts, emails, hugs, all of it means more than I could every say.  You are loved!

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3 

Comes back to bite 'ya

Having kids has taught me a lot. For instance, I can feed children, talk on the phone and balance our checkbook all at the same time. I can take a four-year-old to a public restroom and successfully not have him touch anything, only to have him lick the stall door on our way out. I can have a full-length conversation with my husband spelling every other word; and I can manage to have an adult conversation without using the word "potty" once...sometimes.  

But sometimes there are those things that come back to bite ya.  Like when daddy burps at the table, or when I slip and say "gosh"...Malachi's memory is suddenly impeccable and he is quick to point out our errors.  However, sometimes our kids teach us lessons. 

For quite awhile now Chad has taught our kids to be "good listeners and good leaders". We pray that, we challenge them with those words and almost every time we are going to be away from each other these words are a part of our goodbyes. So, this weekend Chad and I had the opportunity for an unexpected date-night away due to a car being in the shop in Ohio.  We're saying our goodbyes to our little guys and as we're walking away Malachi yells, "Be good leaders and good listeners!"  

As we walked away chuckling and beaming with pride at how great a kid he is, I thought, 'What a great and humbling reminder!'. I guess that's what it boils down to. Just trying to make it through the day being a good listener and a good leader.  Listening to my Savior and leading my kids. I pray I am found faithful. 

On another note - I hate that we were not able to be at our Church's 50th Anniversary Celebration this evening. The car situation extended our stay in Ohio one more night.  Our plan is to make the trek home tomorrow afternoon to be at the festivities tomorrow evening. 


"Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight" Psalm 119:35

Brace yourself...

You know, life is funny sometimes.  I've always wanted to start a blog; but have always felt like I didn't really have anything to say or write about.  Then bam...one day I've got more to say than anyone would ever want to read and ironically I don't want to tell anyone what I have to say.  Life is funny.  I know our story must be shared; but it's not easy.  

I kind of wonder how David would have felt if social media would have been around in 1000BC.  Would he have confessed on facebook and started his own blog on he and Bathsheba's journey to healing?  I'm sure Jerusalem would have been glued to their smartphones trying to stay in contact with their beloved king. Despite it all, King David was loved, he was broken, he was healed...he was a man after God's own heart. 

So, here we are some 3000 years later; and we've got our own news to share.  We're broken, we truly desire to know and follow God's heart, we are on the road to healing, and we are loved.  Even as I type this, my hands are shaking, I feel sick to my stomach and I want to delete everything I've typed and put on a happy face.  It's easier to pretend it's all okay.  However, I want God to be glorified.  So...here goes...

(I know, get to the point already, Meg...) 

This past Sunday Chad confessed to our beloved church his battle with Alcoholism.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My husband is an alcoholic. 

I promise you, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that last sentence would ever come from my mouth.  Trust me, it's taken me a long time to even be able to admit the truth to myself, let alone out loud to others.  I mean, for real, the man didn't even drink when I married him 11 years ago.  We've gone from zero alcohol to full-blown alcoholic.  I can't walk you through the steps on how we got to were we are, I can't even answer a lot of the questions you might have...I just don't know.  All I know is where we are; and where I'm trusting God will lead us.  

Before I go any farther, I want to apologize to some who might be wishing I would have told you another way than over a blog on facebook.  I'm sorry.  I truly am.  I love you all, I truly do.  This is hard, really hard.  I still can't get through a conversation without the 'ugly-cry' waterworks.  I'm asking for grace.  I wish I was strong enough to call each one of you or just show up and tell you in person; but I'm just not.  Believe me, stating the facts here is more than I can handle.  Please just remember, I love you all! 

Our church has been incredible and I am overwhelmed.  The elders have been working with Chad in his recovery and have been gracious, sympathetic and understanding since last December (2012) when all of this came to light.  I can honestly say it's their hearts desire to do the will of our Father, and this last Sunday when the entire congregation was informed, I saw Christ.  We were hugged by His hands, we were comforted with His words, and we were loved with His love.  

The Church has given Chad a 90-day sabbatical to focus on his recovery and healing.  This blog is designed to stay-in-touch with everyone and keep informed those that wish to walk this journey with us.  I do not know where this journey will lead and I am trusting God to give me just enough light for the next step.  

On this path I will be unashamed; and yes, I know I spelled 'dependance' wrong...but I believe one day I'll dance.  :)  Chad has also started a blog (unashameddependents) and will use it to update as he is able to.  We are unashamed, we are dependent and we are His dependents.  

He is good.  He is faithful.  

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31